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The landlord is ready to kick you out on the street for being three months behind on rent, and there are at least twelve crying babies scattered throughout the apartment. Too bad that job at Sizzler didn’t work out. We all know the feeling. Everyone’s been there. Luckily, there is a way to make some quick cash that requires literally no education, qualification, or even effort.

How to Be a Street Whore:

Equip Yourself: You will need the following items

1. A lack of self respect
2. Whorish clothing - Every female has the required uniform somewhere in their closet
3. Clown makeup - You now shop for makeup at costume stores instead of the dollar store like usual
4. A wig - The police won’t recognize you as easily if you change your wig frequently
5. A vagina or other orifice

Prepare Your Skills: You may need to research or practice these things

1. Whoring - This is a general term for shameless self advertising and client soliciation. Basically, acting like a whore.
2. Sucking and Fucking - FYI, this is how you ended up with 4 dozen kids. You’re a champ.
3. Negotiation - When you say “twenty”, the client will say “I’ve only got ten”. The right answer is always “good enough”
4. Crying - Tell the officer your client hit you. Tell the next officer the previous officer hit you. See you on Cops.

Ship the Package: Buckle the fuck up let’s fuck a stranger for money

Alright, let’s get out there. Make sure your children are safely locked in a small room and leave them a bowl of water and raw ramen noodles. If one of them is older than 4 or can passably speak English or Spanish, consider leaving them in charge. Strap on those high heels, a few coats of facepaint, and make sure your skirt is short enough to show your fallopian tubes if you so much as breathe.

If, somehow, you don’t already live in the worst part of town, go ahead and walk the extra block to get there. You’re looking for an area where you’ve got a few yards of sidewalk to yourself. You may be sharing the block with fellow whorebags. Like babboons, they can be violently territorial and are likely to attack if provoked. You are the newcomer and should be careful to integrate yourself without stepping on their toes. Press-on nails can be sharpened for use as a handy weapon.

Stick that ass out and walk up and down your section of pavement. Make eye contact with every car that passes by. Generally, your best best is a fat man that’s crying or anyone in a fancy car. If and when they pull up to the curb, approach the passenger side of the car and lean into the window. Remember: Up until this point, aside from being high on crack, you haven’t broken the law.

Because your potential client is driving around at 2am in the worst neighborhood in town, looking for solicited sex and possibly drugs, you can say almost anything to seal the deal. Some popular options include:

• Looking for a date honey?
• Wanna go for a ride?
• In exchange for money I will perform a variety of sexual favors.

Once they accept your offer, enter the car and ask them if they are a police officer. They will always say no.

At this point, you are at the complete whim of your client. You have entered into an unwritten code of conduct that requires you to perform any act physically possible for whatever amount of money the client deems fit. This is okay, because you are not technically a human being.

In case you are concerned with sexually transmitted diseases, here’s a little tip: You cannot contract a sexually transmitted disease if you smoke crack before you engage in sexual activity. This is a scientific fact.

After you have finished your session with the client, presuming you haven’t been killed and dumped in a river, it’s time to begin the process all over again. You may wish to stop home and refill your children’s water bowl and raw ramen supply. If you happen to be pregnant again already, go ahead and drop the little guy off with his big brothers and sisters while you’re there.

After a few nights, you’ll have more than enough money to pay your rent and get the electricity turned back on. Just remember to always leave a bag of cat food somewhere in the house in case you end up in jail for a week or two. Your children will eventually find and consume it in the event they run out of ramen. If left to their own devices too long, it is common that one or two of the weaker ones will be eaten by the others. This is okay.

Well, I hope that you’re able to get out there and use this lesson to get back on your feet. Now you’re ready to whore it up! Get going, you’ve got six hundred children to feed!