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I’m working on an outline for a multi-part story. I will begin posting the first chapter sometime in soon. Or I’ll just post crap.

Hello, my name is Wallace and my last name is Rogers. I am a celebrity for I have been employed in a motion picture. You and your family may recall my name and my last name from such movies as Terminator 2 and that is all.

I am here to tell you and your family about a new product that I am endorsing as we speak. I shall now tell you about Delicious Edible Pastry Product by Food Processing and Manufacturing Company. This is a company that is based in Elkhorn, a wonderful town in North Dakota and also the home of this amazing company. They produce delicious foods and I enjoy them immensely.

To begin I will describe the bottom of the food product. It is comprised of layers of delicious pastry and is quite edible and delicious on your tongue or in your mouth. I may describe the pastry consistency as flakey and very appealing in overall texture. Certainly you will think about how such a well constructed bottom can only lead to a breathtaking section on top of it, and you and your family would be thinking of the middle portion of this delicious food item.

Upon the lowest layer rests several more layers of top quality pastry product. It is similar to the bottom section but with a very amazing difference. That distiguishing characteristic might be either a cinnamon or a fruit-flavored confection. If you enjoy cinnamon or fruit-flavored confections I suspect your mouth is awaiting a taste of this fabulous treat. But what can possibly lie ahead. I shall tell you next.

Now it is time for the best part of the tour of this stupendous pastry product. Placed directly on top of the previously mentioned middle layer is not one but two hand crafted and exclusive top layers. Both are identical, which ensures you are receiving nearly twice as much quality per unit of weight than any other delicious pastry product that you and your family may currently have in a pantry or display case in your living closet. And did I mention that this product is edible and very delicious?

But you and your family are now asking me a question!

“What if I eat too many of these products?” is the question you and your family have asked. I shall respond with a letter of which would include an answer. It is not possible to eat too many of these products, for it is specifically designed to be edible while also being as delicious and otherwise amazing as time allows. We have a very careful process where magnifying glasses are employed to look very closely into the middle section where any poison would most likely be found. It is not there.

When you next feel it desirable to ingest a product you wish to be edible and delicious, you may now always consider purchasing Delicious Edible Pastry Product at a store and then, upon arriving home with yourself and your family, you shall unwrap them from their packaging and eat them. From the oven.

Thank you for the time you have spent watching myself masterfully endorse this product which I enjoy nearly every time I wish to consume said item.

I’m unfamiliar with the hiring practices at Taco Bell, so I just picture some sort of Special Olympic hurdling event where the winner is told to apply elsewhere and everyone else gets a job.

Financially, the business appears to be perfectly functional. I assume this is a nebulous surprise that has since turned into a joke in the corporate headquarters. “Gentlemen and ladies of the financial review board, we’ve done it again.”

I did not intend to buy anything from Taco Bell today. As I stood completely alone and next in line, I realized that I was waiting for my friend in the exact wrong spot. A cashier emerged from behind the counter, probably from a trashcan or possibly as freshly hatched egg, and stood there silent and motionless. She managed to make a good point that we both knew how this works and verbally expressing it is unnecessary and perhaps trite.

However, just as I began to place my order (which I chose instantly and without thought), it occured to me that the dull sound coming from her general location was not only a form of speech, but in fact the very beginning of a sentence she had begun nearly ten seconds earlier. For some reason I looked at her boobs and then wondered if things smell better when you’re retarded. Somewhere in a reflection I noticed that one of the elderly employees was making laps around a table.

I was halfway through filling up my drink when the cashier finished telling me how much change she gave me half a minute ago.

The drinks are something special there, I know it. My theory is that they put about twice as much syrup in their soft drinks compared to everywhere else. While you sit there and drink your perversely sweet and viscous version of your favorite soda, your body is going into hypermetabolism trying to process the near lethal sugar intake. This explains why you are digesting and expelling your seventh burrito while eating the eighth and wondering why sixteen pounds of food only costs you three bucks and some change.

While I was waiting for my food I became full from the smell alone. I had eaten what felt like a pound of food molecules just floating in the air. The atmosphere is so thick you can jump twice as high if you flail your arms enough. Try it some time and see if you can stay afloat for a whole minute.

When I actually got my food, via a decent toss from about 6 feet behind the counter, I wasn’t really hungry anymore. Once again, the business manages to actually decrease the customer’s hunger and seems to do so intentionally. Yet they are still in business. I suppose I had already paid for the food by that point…

I didn’t start writing this with a conspiracy theory in mind, but I really am starting to wonder why Taco Bell doesn’t want you to eat their food and make money off of you. I wonder if someone made a minor accounting error sometime in the 80s and it has since been multiplied so many times that it’s causing terrible side effects. The company could be bleeding money from every orifice (as they seem to be) and get a report each week that falsely indicates they’ve once again made 50 trillion dollars. I don’t know.

Now that I’ve finished my meal, I feel sick and strangely satisfied simultaneously. If I can find a use for the bag full of hot sauce packets I do not intend to put on or near food, I will still consider my lunchbreak a success. An odd and uncomfortable success.

Today I had a sudden urge to pick up a video game that was just released. You know that feeling - not giving a shit about a something at all for months, like a movie or someone’s birthday. Then, when the day finally arrives, you’re wetting yourself twice as much as usual and shaking from anticipation and insulfated tile cleaner. That’s exactly what happened to me today.

On my lunch break I drove 15 miles to Target. I did not know there was a Target there. They didn’t have it, but I convinced the electronics manager to give me a verbal tour of the town (I’m not terribly familiar with it) and point out all the possible locations so I could leave his store and pay someone else.

This led me to EB Games, which I also did not know was there. I walked in and saw no sign of the game on the shelf. A child stood facing the shelf with a quivering frown. I decided to ask at the counter, because they always keep the good shit buckled up back there.

Me: “Hi, do you have GAME?”

EB: “Did you pre-order it?”

Me: “Do you have any copies?”

EB: “Let me check. Did you pre-order it?”

Me: “Did you find any?”

EB: “Yeah, 1 copy. Did you pre-”

ME: “GREAT, I’ll take it.”

So I not only got my game that I now care about more than life itself, but also got to see a child’s eyes widen with hope and then collapse like black holes when I grabbed it and left. By child I mean a 15 year old kid, before I get jumped on for popping an infant’s balloons or something.