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Today I had a sudden urge to pick up a video game that was just released. You know that feeling - not giving a shit about a something at all for months, like a movie or someone’s birthday. Then, when the day finally arrives, you’re wetting yourself twice as much as usual and shaking from anticipation and insulfated tile cleaner. That’s exactly what happened to me today.

On my lunch break I drove 15 miles to Target. I did not know there was a Target there. They didn’t have it, but I convinced the electronics manager to give me a verbal tour of the town (I’m not terribly familiar with it) and point out all the possible locations so I could leave his store and pay someone else.

This led me to EB Games, which I also did not know was there. I walked in and saw no sign of the game on the shelf. A child stood facing the shelf with a quivering frown. I decided to ask at the counter, because they always keep the good shit buckled up back there.

Me: “Hi, do you have GAME?”

EB: “Did you pre-order it?”

Me: “Do you have any copies?”

EB: “Let me check. Did you pre-order it?”

Me: “Did you find any?”

EB: “Yeah, 1 copy. Did you pre-”

ME: “GREAT, I’ll take it.”

So I not only got my game that I now care about more than life itself, but also got to see a child’s eyes widen with hope and then collapse like black holes when I grabbed it and left. By child I mean a 15 year old kid, before I get jumped on for popping an infant’s balloons or something.

Hello! This is my first post here, and I’ve been invited by panda6 to be a guest writer this week.

I would like to discuss parenting a bit. I never really knew my father, which I think made me into the person I am today. That includes the immortality, fear of rejection, and addiction to prescription drugs. I also have known a lot of people who were raised by abusive parents, and they turned out pretty effed up as well.

For my first guest column here at panda6.net, I will be guiding new and not-so-new parents through some of the more common stressful situations that arise in the home.

How to Be a Better Parent - Part 1: Discipline

Leslie has just returned home after surviving a horrible car accident. The accident cost her 2 pints of blood and her emotional stability, and has cost her father one 1998 Ford Taurus in its entirety.

Leslie: Daddy, I’m so sorry about your car!

Father: Leslie *raises hand*

Leslie: *instinctively cowers to protect her face and neck* What happened to your hand daddy?

Father: Oh, I’ve been out in the garage punching my bare fist through drywall and bricks to get it out of my system.

Leslie: Oh daddy I love you! Thanks for not beating me again!

Father: *shaking from the pain of bone shards breaking the skin* I’m glad you’re unharmed, child.

Take the High Road

On of the most important lessons to be learned about parenting is that you are a role model to your children. While the majority of their life lessons will come from reruns of Law and Order, you play an important role in your child’s development. They will learn from your actions and strive to become someone genetically similar to you. It is always in your best interest to take a bad situation and take the moral or physical high road when it comes to resolving it.

The most common way to react to a child destroying a 1998 Ford Taurus is to hit or kick the child at fault. However, recent studies have shown that this method can dramatically affect a child well into their mid teens. It can be difficult to think of a better alternative during a moment of heated and uncontrollable rage, so be sure to write down any ideas you may have during your short bouts of sobriety and lucidity. Consider posting them on the refridgerator or next to your gun!

The above scenario illustrates one healthy alternative to beating your child. Taking out your anger on inanimate objects is a good way to release your feelings while sparing your beloved child’s health. You may also consider hitting your wife, as she’s at least 50% responsible for your daughter’s bad driving skills in this case.

By taking the high road, you have taught your daughter that self-inflicted-pain is a healthy way to relieve oneself of stress or anger. She also will feel even more guilty when she wakes up in the middle of the night haunted by the image of your mangled hand. Double play.

There is Always a Better Solution

I’m sure you’re thinking “Jesus, that’s a great solution for a hypothetical car accident, but what about all those other things or whatever wait a second I don’t even have any kids”. Well, there are many ways to react to the horrible things your children do, and they can be classified as somewhat appropriate or pretty messed up. Below is a short questionairre to help you categorize your reactions.

A. Your son is gay or acts kinda gay at least. How would you confront him?

1. Paint “no homos allowed” on their bedroom door and board it shut.
2. Sit them down and ask them if they’d like to talk about it
3. Dress up in a giant inflatable penis costume and wear a t-shirt that says “I LOVE YOU TOO”
4. Completely redesign their room to be suitable for a little girl and call them by girls’ names

B. Your daughter is pregnant. What would you say to her?

1. “I guess I can’t hit you because I might kill that kid and end up on trial for murder”
2. “I’ll love you twice as much since there are two of you occupying the same space now”
3. “Let’s go take care of this RIGHT NOW”
4. Nothing at all for 6 or 7 years.

C. While playing a game in the house, your children broke an expensive vase. How do you react?

1. Tell them to clean it up. That vase was ugly anyway and your wife won’t throw it out because “it’s from Aunt Sally and she bought it on a trip to blah blah” and now it’s finally gone.
2. Act really mad but do the same as option 1.
3. Tell them to leave it there so she can see how much better it looks shattered on the floor.

D. Your son failed math class and is now dangerously close to failing out of middle school. What is the best punishment?

1. Three days in the toolshed. No food. No water. Fifty rats.
2. Six days in the toolshed. No food. One glass of water. One hundred rats.
3. Tutor him on the side and don’t allow him to play with his friends until his homework is done and verified.
4. Make him wear a shirt that says “Normal Human + 8 chromosomes = me” for a month.

Now we’ll see how your answers compared to what a team of scientists have determined to be the best answers.

A. Gay Kid - Response: The penis costume. While subtly making fun of your son’s lust for cocks, you are also introducing a sense of compassion by using the word “love”. Also, you get to use that penis costume, which is great because it was expensive.

If you chose the option to talk to your child, then you’re probably not the best parent. What are you going to talk about, the multitude of fabric options for full length drapes? What does that even mean?

B. Whore daughter - Response: Tell her you can’t hit her because you don’t want to go to jail for accidentally killing that fetus. This lets her know that you want to hit her, but aren’t going to because you care about things. You get to send a message while not being forced to explain to the cops at 2 in the morning that your clumsy daughter tripped and fell through the dining room table and out the window again.

Don’t tell her you love her twice as much, because then she’ll be tempted to just pack babies in there until you can’t love her anymore. This is not only dangerous, but potentially annoying come birthing time. Breaking all communications makes you a bit of a dick, and hinting at abortion will haunt you when you’re trying to buy presents for the kid’s first birthday, causing you to drastically overspend.

C. Broken Vase - Response: That vase was such a ridiculous piece of crap, it doesn’t matter what you answered. All that counts is that you didn’t break it yourself, on purpose. Nice self restraint.

D. Dumb Kid - Response: You should have gone with the shirt option. As seen in example A, the penis costume, a t-shirt with a proper slogan is a potential solution to nearly any problem. Your child will be asked what the shirt means many, many times a day, and eventually they will realize that having too many chromosomes makes you retarded. They’ll then realize how important math is, or something along those lines. Most certainly, however, they won’t be failing another class for fear of what terrible slogan you’ll make them wear in public.

The toolshed options aren’t safe. While surviving on rats is entirely possible, the rats will have an easier time surviving on your child. That might be just a little too legally risky in this situation.

Now What?

Did you get at least one of the questions correct? If so, congratulations, you’re doing great as a parent. Your instincts are good enough to keep you in reach of the moral high road. Remember, if there’s a physical high road, also take that. You can see better from up there and are under less pressure of an ambush.

If you were unable to answer even one question correctly, then you should read and understand the correct answers listed above. You will need to adapt your thinking to keep you from going down a dangerous path that will cause your children to put you in a home when you’re old and smelly.

So get out there and start parenting to the best of your ability. When it comes to disciplining your children, remember: discipline yourself in the process and always consider the t-shirt option.

The landlord is ready to kick you out on the street for being three months behind on rent, and there are at least twelve crying babies scattered throughout the apartment. Too bad that job at Sizzler didn’t work out. We all know the feeling. Everyone’s been there. Luckily, there is a way to make some quick cash that requires literally no education, qualification, or even effort.

How to Be a Street Whore:

Equip Yourself: You will need the following items

1. A lack of self respect
2. Whorish clothing - Every female has the required uniform somewhere in their closet
3. Clown makeup - You now shop for makeup at costume stores instead of the dollar store like usual
4. A wig - The police won’t recognize you as easily if you change your wig frequently
5. A vagina or other orifice

Prepare Your Skills: You may need to research or practice these things

1. Whoring - This is a general term for shameless self advertising and client soliciation. Basically, acting like a whore.
2. Sucking and Fucking - FYI, this is how you ended up with 4 dozen kids. You’re a champ.
3. Negotiation - When you say “twenty”, the client will say “I’ve only got ten”. The right answer is always “good enough”
4. Crying - Tell the officer your client hit you. Tell the next officer the previous officer hit you. See you on Cops.

Ship the Package: Buckle the fuck up let’s fuck a stranger for money

Alright, let’s get out there. Make sure your children are safely locked in a small room and leave them a bowl of water and raw ramen noodles. If one of them is older than 4 or can passably speak English or Spanish, consider leaving them in charge. Strap on those high heels, a few coats of facepaint, and make sure your skirt is short enough to show your fallopian tubes if you so much as breathe.

If, somehow, you don’t already live in the worst part of town, go ahead and walk the extra block to get there. You’re looking for an area where you’ve got a few yards of sidewalk to yourself. You may be sharing the block with fellow whorebags. Like babboons, they can be violently territorial and are likely to attack if provoked. You are the newcomer and should be careful to integrate yourself without stepping on their toes. Press-on nails can be sharpened for use as a handy weapon.

Stick that ass out and walk up and down your section of pavement. Make eye contact with every car that passes by. Generally, your best best is a fat man that’s crying or anyone in a fancy car. If and when they pull up to the curb, approach the passenger side of the car and lean into the window. Remember: Up until this point, aside from being high on crack, you haven’t broken the law.

Because your potential client is driving around at 2am in the worst neighborhood in town, looking for solicited sex and possibly drugs, you can say almost anything to seal the deal. Some popular options include:

• Looking for a date honey?
• Wanna go for a ride?
• In exchange for money I will perform a variety of sexual favors.

Once they accept your offer, enter the car and ask them if they are a police officer. They will always say no.

At this point, you are at the complete whim of your client. You have entered into an unwritten code of conduct that requires you to perform any act physically possible for whatever amount of money the client deems fit. This is okay, because you are not technically a human being.

In case you are concerned with sexually transmitted diseases, here’s a little tip: You cannot contract a sexually transmitted disease if you smoke crack before you engage in sexual activity. This is a scientific fact.

After you have finished your session with the client, presuming you haven’t been killed and dumped in a river, it’s time to begin the process all over again. You may wish to stop home and refill your children’s water bowl and raw ramen supply. If you happen to be pregnant again already, go ahead and drop the little guy off with his big brothers and sisters while you’re there.

After a few nights, you’ll have more than enough money to pay your rent and get the electricity turned back on. Just remember to always leave a bag of cat food somewhere in the house in case you end up in jail for a week or two. Your children will eventually find and consume it in the event they run out of ramen. If left to their own devices too long, it is common that one or two of the weaker ones will be eaten by the others. This is okay.

Well, I hope that you’re able to get out there and use this lesson to get back on your feet. Now you’re ready to whore it up! Get going, you’ve got six hundred children to feed!

At some point, everybody finds themselves dealing with excess anger toward endangered animals. This feeling of overwhelming hatred toward the local “prarie elf lizard” or “wetlands hairless tree beaver” is normal and surprisingly common. It is for this reason that my first installment of “How to Be a…” directly addresses this shockingly pervasive sentiment.