An Open Letter to Jesus (the cat)

March 3rd, 2008 panda6 No comments
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Jesus,

When you speak, all I hear is cat sounds. This negatively affects our ability to communicate. No progress has come from your attempts at repetition. If you were on Jeopardy and the Answer was “The only word you know how to say” you would still be unable to correctly respond because of you inability to preface your Question with “What is…”. This isn’t your fault, so don’t take it personally if I appear to be ignoring you. You simply can’t talk and need to try less.

Sincerely,
Bryan

P.S. It has recently come to my attention that you are unable to read this. I assume this is because you have no internet access in your cat bed or litter box. Please accept the hand written copy I have left near the mouse toy by the stairs.

Categories: Muppetfuckery Tags:

Imported Poems

March 3rd, 2008 panda6 No comments
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I imported a bunch of old poshack.com posts from Blogger today. They are uncategorized and have no formatting. Some ended up associated with the wrong accounts. This is about as much effort as I’m going to put into it.

Categories: Site News Tags:

Pete’s Birthday

March 2nd, 2008 panda6 No comments
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This weekend, Dan, Ben, Chris and myself went to visit Pete for his 27th birthday. He didn’t know we were coming.

Here’s a summary in pictures.

Cake motherfucker, cake.

The cake was, in reality, much less blurry. The atmosphere was thick with anticipation of Pete’s arrival, which caused distortion in the camera’s optics.

Some random chick and Pete's sister Angela

Some random chick, and Angela.

Ben, Chris

Ben and Chris talking to some guy I don’t know. People-making-stupid-faces-accidentally-party in the foreground.

I'm already sick of captioning images!

Dan, Ben, random chick, Angela, Claire. I’m not sure what is happening here.

Oh snap is pete here omg lol

Is that Pete walking in right now? Oh shit everyone here he com…no it isn’t.

3 minutes later…

Oh hai

That looks exactly like Pete. He is caught in a moment of surprise, sending him into “fight or flight” mode. Twenty people were killed before we calmed him down with a song and cake.

Me and Pete

Pete and I “chilling”. I realize I wore a shirt with stupid words on it, thanks.

Oh wow! Iron Maiden! No way!?

Iron Maiden! Very hardcore. Good job guys.

Outside

I do not know where Pete is at this point.

Justin, Pete and red-eye-reduction failure.

Justin, Pete and utter breakdown of my camera’s red eye reduction filter.

Note: the pizza box in the picture was one of about five hundred that we went through last night. It was really good, and people kept going next door and getting more.

No fuck you

Fuck you, Ben.

Havin' a good time y'alls.

Some random people?!?

Hay

I think I left my camera unattended at about this point.

Oh noes

No! Don’t eat his eyeballs don’t do it shit Pete watch out.

Okay everything is fine

Just kidding Pete’s okay.

let me tell YOU

With no context I seriously can’t say much about this.

Another stupid face party!

Another accidentally-making-stupid-faces party, this time on the dance floor.

I do not know this fellow

I do not know this fellow.

ok

This probably happened 1 second after the last picture.

Oh original, very nice

Fuck you guys.

oh ahahah lolol

Another one! These guys are amazing comedians.

This is a view from Pete’s balcony. At 3:30am. I’m actually a little surprised I even managed to take a picture at this point. The fact that I fucked it up pretty bad doesn’t really take that away.

Nice goddamned view

What a nice view. I had no idea it was this nice.

A street. No shit.

I took this while Dan and I went to get coffee. It is a photograph of a street. Am I doing this right?

Jesus <3's for all.

IF HE LOVES ME SO MUCH WHY DOESN’T HE MARRY ME

I have nothing else to show.

Categories: Trips Tags:

Beta Blog (Updated)

March 1st, 2008 panda6 No comments
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I am in the process of moving my blog to a *slightly* different system that should give me a bit of additional control. If you previously registered an account, it’s probably gone. Well, it’s not gone, but it sure isn’t here.

The old site is backed up just in case. This page will change a bit in the near future while I get things set up. If you find any problems you can send an email to “nobodycares@seriouslydontbother.no”.

Plugin Test:

httpv://youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M " />httpv://youtube.com/watch?v=4JMOh-cul6M " type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="355" >

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Breakfast

March 1st, 2008 panda6 No comments
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A while ago I watched a video of Gordon Ramsay making scrambled eggs. He was pretty adamant that most scrambled eggs are overcooked, whether we realize it or not. I wasn’t convinced initially, because it just looked like he made runny, undercooked eggs.

It didn’t take too long before I decided to give it a try, with some slight modifications based on available ingredients. The texture was much less offensive than I expected, and the taste was amazing. For being so simple I was very surprised. I’ve been making them about once a week ever since, and actually look forward to making breakfast these days.

The trick is to keep the heat reasonably low, and to keep the eggs from coagulating into large blobs by constantly stirring. The eggs spend about the same amount of time on the burner as off the burner, to ensure they cook slowly and evenly. No salt is added until they are on the plate. At the end, just before they are done, some dairy is added to cool them off and halt the cooking. The video specifies crème fraîche.

Today I didn’t have any crème fraîche, so I used mascarpone (which is made from crème fraîche). Instead of sourdough bread, I used a freshly baked French boule. Instead of cherry tomatoes and mushrooms, I used a mix of tomato, green beans, baby yellow potatoes and sweet onion. The beans were blanched and the potatoes were par-cooked in advance. Everything was roughly chopped, tossed with olive oil and kosher salt, and spread evenly in a large skillet while the eggs were prepared.

Again, they are supposed to look runny and undercooked, but they aren’t. They just have a very uniform consistency that makes them look that way. The bread was pretty damn good too, I have to say.

Yum

Categories: Breakfast, Food Tags:

More Pizza

February 22nd, 2008 panda6 No comments
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My baking stone came on Wednesday, but unfortunately was cracked in half. My replacement showed up today.

Here’s version 2 of the tomato/onion/prosciutto pizza from the other night. The crust was much thinner and was nice and crispy. I was able to make it thinner and larger because I wasn’t trying to cook it on the back of a sheet pan.

Fresh out of the oven

Cut and ready to go.

Categories: Food Tags:

Pizza - Preview

February 18th, 2008 panda6 No comments
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I made my first pizza dough tonight, and it turned out pretty good. The sauce was made from scratch as well.

I ordered a baking stone, which should be here Wednesday. I plan to use it this weekend, and will document the whole process. I skipped the pictures this time (until the end) because I didn’t know if they would turn out.

This one was topped with a very thin layer of tomato sauce, organic tomato, mozzarella, proscuitto, red onion, sea salt and olive oil. I added some fresh basil at the last second.

Proscuitto and onion

This one had some nice local Italian sausage, browned and drained, bell pepper, tomato, mozzarella and a little sauce. There was also a little olive oil and black pepper involved here.

Sausage and Pepper

They turned out great, and I can’t wait to make some again this weekend using an actual baking stone instead of a sheetpan.

Categories: Food Tags:

Food.

February 11th, 2008 panda6 No comments
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It’s been a long time since I’ve posted here - long enough that I had forgotten my password - and I’m starting to feel like I might be wasting a small portion of the internet. To remedy the obvious fact that I have nothing interesting to say, I’ve decided to start tracking my current hobby, which is cooking.

Some of the images are cut off a little. This is the internet’s fault, not mine. I will work on the layout.

I would say that baking is particularly grabbing my interest, so there may be a focus on that particular aspect of the culinary universe. I’ve started small with simple French breads, with the occasional batch of pretzel bites (more on this later) and a semi-successful batch of sourdough starter filling in the gaps. I also have been baking cookies on a fairly regular basis.

There is something pleasant about thinking “I would like to put a cookie in my mouth” and then having a fuckton of warm, fresh cookies in a reasonably short time and without having to go to the store. Yesterday I decided to experiment and used some mascarpone cheese in a batch of chocolate chip cookies, which was a happy success. On Saturday I made cookies with mini peppermint patties.

My baking appreciation started about 6 months ago when I had a craving for those cheddar cheese biscuits they serve at Red Lobster. By no means a pinnacle of culinary excellence and unfortunately requiring a trip to Red Lobster, they seemed like they would be hard to reproduce with my basic skillset. After less than a minute on the internet, I came across this recipe:

  • 2 cups Bisquick
  • 2/3 cup milk
  • 2/3 cup grated cheddar cheese

Combine well in a large bowl, avoiding overmixing. Spoon into large globs onto a baking sheet. Bake at 400 for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, combine about 1/4 cup butter with a large pinch of garlic salt over low heat. Brush over the biscuits when they come out of the oven and remove the biscuits to a cooling rack.

My first attempt turned out pretty close to what I was expecting - a product that looked similar to the target at a glance, but had some major flaws. The bottoms were burnt, the insides were undercooked and the tops were blackened slightly. I could see that I needed to make some modifications, and I now had a ton of Bisquick to play with.

I tried using a Pyrex casserole to keep the bottoms from burning, and it worked. I made them slightly smaller and mixed the less, and they came out fully cooked. I lowered the temperature slightly and paid more attention while they cooked and they came out golden brown on top. And I added some dried parsley to the butter/garlic mixture and got some much needed color.

This process took about a month, but I enjoyed the experimenting and the fact that I could eat whatever I made. It took me another month to realize I had to start working out - at least a little - to offset this. I’ve been running at least a mile about 5 days a week, which also made me happy I stopped smoking (13 months ago already!).

Before I got too carried away, I attempted to make an alfredo sauce specifically for dipping biscuits in. My entire concept of something as ubiquitous as alfredo sauce was shattered when I did some research. It turns out that what I had always called alfredo was most definitely a sauce in its own right, but was not actually what I thought it was. True alfredo sauce is made from butter, cream, parmesan cheese, white pepper and nutmeg, all mixed directly over hot pasta. Fake alfredo sauce is what’s called a Mornay sauce - bechamel with cheese, which is itself a roux with milk or cream, and that is butter and flour cooked together as a thickening agent.

I decided that it was important to understand these things so that I could ask for help when I needed it, without sounding like too much of a moron.

I had to make actual food to go with my chain restaurant knockoff biscuits, so I started cooking more and eating more meals at home. At this point in time I eat out less than once every two weeks, and as a side-effect, I’m much more aware of what I eat and my portions have become much more realistic. This is a nice bonus.

Before I post any pictures, I’ll be very clear that I repeatedly use similar ingredients and techniques, and I have only one set of plates that I consider “nice”. You will frequently see onions, potatoes, cucumber salads, the same black plates and a lot of throwaway side dishes throughout all of my food related posts. In order to get better and learn, I have to repeat a lot of things, make minor corrections or variations, and try again.

Here is a shot of one of my cheddar cheese biscuits, at what was probably the peak of biscuit making:

A biscuit

Actually, the little pile of shit next to the biscuit was a pretty tasty item itself. I chopped up a bunch of vegetables, grilled some shrimp, and marinated the whole deal in lime juice, vinegar and olive oil. I called it a shrimp ceviche. I think the coolest part was that I served it in a peeled tomato (which was a son of a bitch):

Ceviche and a biscuit

I imagine the observant reader will also spot a glass of whiskey (The Glenlivet Nadurra, in this case) in many pictures.

Random ceviche experiment aside, I still wasn’t producing actual meals. That would change because I was starting to get sick of biscuits.

At first I focused on steaks, and dabbled a bit in sauces. My early achievement was something I referred to simply as steak an potatoes. It was based around a reduction of chicken stock and red wine vinegar prepared in the same pan in which the steak was cooked. The sauce contained a lot of butter as well. My love of shallots probably started here too.

My first attempt turned out extremely good as a steak, but not very impressive as a meal. However, the sauce itself was incredible and asked to be soaked up by some sort of bread. I don’t recall saying this post would be done in strictly chronological order, so here’s the first and last versions of my steak and potatoes separated by several months. I’ll fill in the gaps later.

Steak Version 1

Salted cucumber and pan fried potatoes. I don’t think I even par-cooked the taters, so they were probably raw in the middle.

A few attempts later, I made a much better overall meal, and even took a chance with some interesting plating:

Steak Version 5 or so

I served it on a cutting board, to myself, just for fun. The dinner roll there is one of my early ones, but I recall it being part of a pretty good batch. The potatoes are fully cooked, crispy, and topped with diced proscuitto. The sauce isn’t quite as prominent, and the pointless diced cucumber pile is gone.

While I was working on learning to cook a good steak, I also made my first loaf of bread:

Bread 1

Hot and buttery

I was immediately interested in baking bread. It turned out great, and it was only my first attempt. I suddenly felt a little embarrassed by my earlier enthusiasm for biscuits from a box.

While the bread turned out excellent in its own right, I really wanted to make a loaf of rustic ciabatta. I liked the idea of huge, uneven bubbles and a chewier texture. I soon learned that the secret was a very wet or slack dough, which came with a recommendation of a stand mixer. I could think of plenty of things to do with a stand mixer, and when I found an amazing deal on a KitchenAid Professional 600, I had to grab it.

The mixer made ciabatta a walk-away experience. I made my first loaf entirely by weight and was careful to follow the directions exactly. What I got was a pretty nice loaf, but it was lacking the huge bubbles I was expecting. It would take me months to get it right, making adjustments to the moisture content, type of flour and the proofing environment as I went. Switching to a high quality unbleached bread flour helped quite a bit (King Arthur, specifically), as the dough needs some serious gluten to hold any shape whatsoever.

Here is a shot of ciabatta number 1:

Ciabatta One

And a picture of its guts:

Not as bubbly as I had hoped

I ended up making a few loaves for a small party and people liked them, so I kept at it.

I also used ciabatta as an accompaniment to my first attempt at roast chicken. I brined the chicken carefully, roasted it carefully and carved it carefully, all resulting in what might have been the best chicken I will ever have. I haven’t tried again because I don’t think it’ll be as good. Huge success.

The starch was provided by some mashed potatoes I made using a play on a twice baked potato. The potatoes were boiled as usual for soon-to-be-mashed tubers, but I then roasted them in the oven with olive oil until they were crispy, and then pan fried them with garlic. Once mashed, the skin on potatoes were mixed with cream and European style butter (higher fat content). They were fucking ridiculous.

Oh yeah, and the gravy was great too. I am so proud of this meal, and it’s a shame that nobody ever saw it.

Eeeeeeeeee

Not too long after the chicken experiment, I decided to make some seared tuna. I love seared tuna at Japanese restaurants, and it seems simple enough. My first try wasn’t bad, but it’s pretty obvious that the fish wasn’t really the type that got good grades in “looking good raw” school.

It was tasty still

This time served with Jameson. As you can see, it’s very pale, and also sitting on top of way, way too many noodles.

I picked up a rice cooker (I have never been good at cooking rice), and the ingredients needed to make peoprly seasoned sushi rice. Before I tried the tuna again, I went for a sushi-bar staple:

Hay the same plate again no way

The lack of variety in my plates is probably pretty obvious by now. You don’t have to eat the plate so I consider it slightly less important. Anyway, they looked and tasted like sushi shrimp, albeit slightly rough around the edges. I was happy enough to move on to tuna #2:

Better

It was clearly a modified version of my previous tuna dish, but this time with much happier looking fish and a bed of sushi rice. The (pretentiously applied) sauce is a miso/ginger/soy reduction.

I’m getting pretty sick of typing but already resized and uploaded some additional images, so I’ll just post them with short descriptions:

Grill pan!

Breaking in my new grill pan with a ribeye. Believe it or not, I got sick of the ribeye cut and moved on to the flat iron. Easily my favorite cut right now, flat iron steaks are reasonably priced, extremely tender and almost devoid of large fat deposits. This is a pleasant change compared to the giant ring of fat on a rib eye. Here’s a flat iron with some garlic and cayenne bread stick action:

Different plate! What the fuck!

Eventually I’ll go through a bean/chili phase, but what you see there is from a can. The steak is topped with some crumbled feta.

On a whim one day, my roommate suggested I make pretzels. I had a pre-ferment (flour, yeast, water left to bubble and develop for a while) that I didn’t have a plan for, and that was perfect. It turns out pretzels are very easy to make, aside from the shaping part. I fucked them up pretty bad, but they tasted great. I made a batch of pretzel bites and have made a shitload of them since. They are great for parties (with a cheese dipping sauce).

Bites!

Bagels are a procedural cousin of pretzels, so I will be attempting them soon. I also tried stuffing pretzels with cheese, which worked pretty well.

Here’s a shot of chicken tacos, and I will offer no further explanation:

Chicken tacos

And finally, here is a cameraphone shot of my barbeque chicken from tonight. I resurrected the old biscuit recipe (part of the inspiration for posting this tonight), but replaced the cheddar with pepper-jack. The beans are from a can again, but everything else is fresh. The image quality is terrible, and in fact the food itself wasn’t anything mind-blowing. The only interesting part of this, I think, is that the image is tagged with my exact GPS coordinates at the time I took the picture.

(You are looking at, clockwise from the lower left, a napa cabbage salad with fresh mozzarella and a light vinaigrette, pepper-jack “lobster” biscuit, chili con carne, potato and onion fry with 4 kinds of pepper, and a chicken breast brined with brown sugar and dried chilis and basted with Sweet Baby Ray’s barbeque sauce)

Shitty quality, stalker friendly
This post is meant to be an introduction to what I intend to focus in regards to this website. As such, it should help catch up to where I am right now, in anticipation of posts oriented toward specific food items in the near future. I will mix what I’ve learned with occasional how-to posts and recipes. Soon I should be able to document my experiences with home-made sourdough starters, and maybe I’ll finally expand my cookie making skills with help from my brand new copy of the King Arthur Flour Baker’s Companion.

Thanks for reading!

Categories: Food Tags:

Son of a fuck

September 18th, 2007 panda6 No comments
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I should probably update this site more often, but what the hell is up with all the spam comments? Who is sitting around reading this fucking page and thinking…shit, I need to get some oxycontin for my cat? Ugh.

I turned on a  spam blocking plugin that requires you to answer a simple (hopefully) math question to post.

—————-
Now playing: Scott Weiland - Lady, Your Roof Brings Me Down
via FoxyTunes

Categories: Announcements Tags:

The Move 2007 ½

July 26th, 2007 panda6 No comments
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Since “finishing” my room, we’ve been working on the other bedroom in the same way. In fact, if you have a mirror handy, you can pretend I posted about the second room by reading the previous post. It’s exactly the same, except the drywall mudding is much more thorough. Also, we left a surprise for whoever tears this place down:

A small mouse and a note

Did the mouse write it? I don't know

I’m not sure what it’s supposed to mean, really, but it’s nice to know that someone way in the future (most likely a sentient wrecking ball from when the robots take over) will be the next person to see it.

There’s some pictures of my mostly-complete bathroom if you put your mouse cursor on “Read the rest of this” link and then click buttons until something happens.

Read more…

Categories: Muppetfuckery, Science and Learning Tags:

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